The moment it hits you, it feels as if air is trapped in your lungs.
The moment isn't really a moment at all, time just stops.
Nothing else exsists.
It's just you, and your shaky forced breaths.
You're not ready when it hits you.
You could be doing anything at all.
Watching tv, doing laundry, driving down the street.
And it hits you.
Your arms are taken over by goosebumps.
Everything blurs together.
The truth hits you and it shakes the very center of your being.
Your life, thoughts, dreams, temptations, all go fuzzy.
All of a sudden its clear.
Everything is different. You're changed, you've grown up.
Things that were once familiar have no connection to you.
Your life is never going back to how it was.
There is nothing you can do about it.
The friends you have drifted apart from are gone.
The mistakes you have made are unchangable.
The love you have lost is never coming back.
And we're back to that part.
That part where there is nothing you can do about it.
There is no choice but to accept the hard truth and move on.
Move past the hurt, the bad decisions, the immaturity.
Try not to life in regret anymore.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Friday, December 28, 2007
Mess with a Capitol "M"
A quote from a favourite movie: "there are two types of people, those who learn from their mistakes and those who don't"
This quote is basically the theme of my life. I fall into the latter category. No matter what, I can't seem to learn from my mistakes. I repeat everything i do wrong, I just can't help it. I see myself making these mistakes and can't stop myself from doing it anyways.
The main mistakes are, of course, concerning boys. Unintentionally juggling multiple boys to be more precise. It's not planned, it's not thought about. It just seems to happen. Even though there are a few boys I could be happy with, there always seems to be others that tempt me. And then there are the boys I can't seem to let go of. The boys who get quite pissed when I consume alcohol because they become victims of the drunken texts. The "why dont we talkkkk anymreoe, plese takk to me, imiss youuu"'s.
I can't explain why I put others through this mess, maybe it's the abandonment issues put in place by the father and ex-boyfriend, maybe it's the fear of being hurt again, like by the ex as well. But maybe, just maybe, i'm just messed up. Not wanting anyone to get too close, not wanting anyone to see how screwed up I really am. There's the slight possibility though that it's not about anyone else, that it's just me trying to have a good time, and not caring what happens around me.
I know I sound contradicting, i'm so confused myself. The right has blurred into the wrong, the boundaries no longer visible. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this, eventually i'm going to crash and burn.
This quote is basically the theme of my life. I fall into the latter category. No matter what, I can't seem to learn from my mistakes. I repeat everything i do wrong, I just can't help it. I see myself making these mistakes and can't stop myself from doing it anyways.
The main mistakes are, of course, concerning boys. Unintentionally juggling multiple boys to be more precise. It's not planned, it's not thought about. It just seems to happen. Even though there are a few boys I could be happy with, there always seems to be others that tempt me. And then there are the boys I can't seem to let go of. The boys who get quite pissed when I consume alcohol because they become victims of the drunken texts. The "why dont we talkkkk anymreoe, plese takk to me, imiss youuu"'s.
I can't explain why I put others through this mess, maybe it's the abandonment issues put in place by the father and ex-boyfriend, maybe it's the fear of being hurt again, like by the ex as well. But maybe, just maybe, i'm just messed up. Not wanting anyone to get too close, not wanting anyone to see how screwed up I really am. There's the slight possibility though that it's not about anyone else, that it's just me trying to have a good time, and not caring what happens around me.
I know I sound contradicting, i'm so confused myself. The right has blurred into the wrong, the boundaries no longer visible. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this, eventually i'm going to crash and burn.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Pride
Rugby is my passion.
I've played for a few years and it's become my obsession.
I play for 8 months of the year through snow, sleet, and sun.
Here's a small excert from a paper on stereotypes in rugby:
There will always be the people who think they know everything. No matter how many games I play or how many tackles I make, I will always be told I can't be a forward. The words "you're too small", "you couldn't possibly tackle anyone", or a personal favourite, "you play rugby? that's gross" still have an affect on me. I get
frustrated and worked up when I am underestimated by people who don't know a single thing about the game. Luckily being aggressive is an effective tactic to being a good forward. Being aggressive does not necessarily make you a tank, it simply means that you aren't afraid of getting hurt, you show off your bruises like battle wounds, and you don't give up and accept defeat.
I'm proud to be a women's rugby player; I'm proud to pull on my striped collared shirt and my formally white shorts, which are now grass stained and smeared with mud. When I lace up my cleats and step onto a rugby pitch I forget about anything else in life. I'm there in that moment and nothing else is important. Any anger or frustration I may have is put to good use, crushing my opponents with the hardest tackles possible. Stereotypes are never going to disappear completely, but no one can stop me from playing the sport that I love. Rugby is always going to be a part of my life, and even if I end up breaking both my legs and getting eleven concussions in the process, I'm going to continue to prove to anyone who ever said I was too small that they were wrong.
I've played for a few years and it's become my obsession.
I play for 8 months of the year through snow, sleet, and sun.
Here's a small excert from a paper on stereotypes in rugby:
There will always be the people who think they know everything. No matter how many games I play or how many tackles I make, I will always be told I can't be a forward. The words "you're too small", "you couldn't possibly tackle anyone", or a personal favourite, "you play rugby? that's gross" still have an affect on me. I get
frustrated and worked up when I am underestimated by people who don't know a single thing about the game. Luckily being aggressive is an effective tactic to being a good forward. Being aggressive does not necessarily make you a tank, it simply means that you aren't afraid of getting hurt, you show off your bruises like battle wounds, and you don't give up and accept defeat.
I'm proud to be a women's rugby player; I'm proud to pull on my striped collared shirt and my formally white shorts, which are now grass stained and smeared with mud. When I lace up my cleats and step onto a rugby pitch I forget about anything else in life. I'm there in that moment and nothing else is important. Any anger or frustration I may have is put to good use, crushing my opponents with the hardest tackles possible. Stereotypes are never going to disappear completely, but no one can stop me from playing the sport that I love. Rugby is always going to be a part of my life, and even if I end up breaking both my legs and getting eleven concussions in the process, I'm going to continue to prove to anyone who ever said I was too small that they were wrong.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Seasons of Life
Sneaky as a snowfall that blankets the world overnight, life changes unexpectedly. It often takes you by surprise and everything around you suddenly becomes unstable.
All it takes is one event, one experience and everything is different.
I allow things to break me apart, i'm fragile. To the outside world I may seem stable and sturdy; I wish this was reality. I'm not careful enough to protect myself, i'm easily lead into trouble.
But as unexpected as a sunshower, I feel things begin to shift. Despite the friendships that are injured beyond repair and people that have been lost, I'm still here. Life is not going to stop and wait for me to catch up.
Luckily, i'm surrounded by people who won't let me fall behind. The one who I've been leaning on the most is the most surprising. He's been there the whole time, but I didn't want him to be. I pushed him away, I caused the rift. I tell myself i wasn't ready, but i think i was really just afraid.
Now he's back, here for me when i need it the most. He always saying the right things and making me feel better.
When things get bad I use my regular defence mechanisms to push people away, but I think this guy might stick it out. I'm prone to severe mood changes, i'm unpredictable. Some people just can't deal with it, but I guess you could explain me like that saying..If you don't like the weather just wait 5 minutes.
All it takes is one event, one experience and everything is different.
I allow things to break me apart, i'm fragile. To the outside world I may seem stable and sturdy; I wish this was reality. I'm not careful enough to protect myself, i'm easily lead into trouble.
But as unexpected as a sunshower, I feel things begin to shift. Despite the friendships that are injured beyond repair and people that have been lost, I'm still here. Life is not going to stop and wait for me to catch up.
Luckily, i'm surrounded by people who won't let me fall behind. The one who I've been leaning on the most is the most surprising. He's been there the whole time, but I didn't want him to be. I pushed him away, I caused the rift. I tell myself i wasn't ready, but i think i was really just afraid.
Now he's back, here for me when i need it the most. He always saying the right things and making me feel better.
When things get bad I use my regular defence mechanisms to push people away, but I think this guy might stick it out. I'm prone to severe mood changes, i'm unpredictable. Some people just can't deal with it, but I guess you could explain me like that saying..If you don't like the weather just wait 5 minutes.
Monday, November 19, 2007
The Joys Of Egg Salad
For english I was able to write an essay on something that bothers me, and then create a outrageous proposal to deal with it. I enjoyed this assignment and feel like sharing it :)
How does the one item in this world that I despise seem to haunt me everywhere I go? Unlike many people I am not a picky eater; I will eat basically anything that is placed in front of me. Seafood, mushrooms, spinach, and cottage cheese are quite tasty to snack on, however; egg salad sandwiches are simply unacceptable.
My dislike for egg salad started as a young child. On many outings to the beach in the summer my mother would pack a lunch, always egg salad sandwiches. I don't believe I ate much those days. I'm not sure what exactly triggered my hatred. Whether it was the smell, taste, or simply the presentation that made my stomach turn, i can't be certain. Now any one of these factors causes an immediate nauseous feeling, only to pass when the egg salad is gone.
I find it very strange how often I must deal with egg salad in my life. At first it was only three days a week for two months. These unfortunate occasions were caused by rowing season. During rowing season my team has morning practices at 5:30 am outside the city. I very much enjoy these practices, the sun is not yet up and the world seems still. The only problem with these practices is in the carpool. My best friend, for some inexplicable reason, feels the need to devour down an egg salad sandwich every morning before practice much to the dismay of everyone in the car. The first hint of the presence of an egg salad sandwich is the horrible stench it produces, comparable to moldy cheese. This smell often forces me to open the window and hang my head out of the car as we speed down the highway. I would honestly rather freeze to death have to deal with that smell. The presence of egg salad before rowing often causes me to become distracted. I am so wrapped up in the horror that someone would actually choose to eat egg salad I no longer have the motivation to run, go on the rowing machine, or wade into ice cold water to place boats in.
After rowing I thought I could escape my problems, but unfortunatley I was wrong. I was not warned before being hired at my new job that egg salad is a popular choice for lunch. This means that during each shift I am forced to make egg salad, and serve it to customers. Each time I am asked to do this disgusting task I'm sure that I'm about to be sick. The presence of egg salad ruins my work day every time I have to deal with it.
Due to all the problems egg salad has been creating for me, I have decided that we must use this powerful object to our advantage. Seeing as how I was easily distracting by simply the presence of egg salad I believe that others might be affected as well. I propose that in important sporting events as a tactic to defeat opponents egg salad sandwiches are to be hidden throughout locker rooms. The presence of molded egg salad will most likely cause the opponent to become sick or ,at the very least, become distracted enough to affect their ability to compete. In the unlikely case that an opponent is a fan of egg salad, the sandwiches must be old enough that they become sick with either salmonella or food poisoning.
I believe that this game strategy will quickly become very popular all over the world. Teams will enjoy my idea because it is cheap and effective. The success rate will most likely be over 98%, not many people like molded egg salad. The demand for the Egg Salad Attack will become so large that I will start up an underground buisness. Unfortunatley, due to the health codes we will never become certified. Nevertheless we will be well known and celebrated for our sneakiness and effectiveness. Just ask around and I'm sure someone will be able to tell you how to get ahold of the Egg Salad Attackers as I plan to have a branch in all major city across North America. This buisness will be the only good thing that has ever came from an egg salad sandwich.
As exciting as the idea of egg salad being used for good, it will never come to be. Egg salad will forever haunt my thoughts, but I could never intentionally make someone sick or affect their sports abilities. I enjoy sporting events too much to sabotage them. However, the next morning I must face my friend and her egg salad sandwich I guarantee that I will forcefully take the sandwich away and throw it out the window so that I can row in peace.
How does the one item in this world that I despise seem to haunt me everywhere I go? Unlike many people I am not a picky eater; I will eat basically anything that is placed in front of me. Seafood, mushrooms, spinach, and cottage cheese are quite tasty to snack on, however; egg salad sandwiches are simply unacceptable.
My dislike for egg salad started as a young child. On many outings to the beach in the summer my mother would pack a lunch, always egg salad sandwiches. I don't believe I ate much those days. I'm not sure what exactly triggered my hatred. Whether it was the smell, taste, or simply the presentation that made my stomach turn, i can't be certain. Now any one of these factors causes an immediate nauseous feeling, only to pass when the egg salad is gone.
I find it very strange how often I must deal with egg salad in my life. At first it was only three days a week for two months. These unfortunate occasions were caused by rowing season. During rowing season my team has morning practices at 5:30 am outside the city. I very much enjoy these practices, the sun is not yet up and the world seems still. The only problem with these practices is in the carpool. My best friend, for some inexplicable reason, feels the need to devour down an egg salad sandwich every morning before practice much to the dismay of everyone in the car. The first hint of the presence of an egg salad sandwich is the horrible stench it produces, comparable to moldy cheese. This smell often forces me to open the window and hang my head out of the car as we speed down the highway. I would honestly rather freeze to death have to deal with that smell. The presence of egg salad before rowing often causes me to become distracted. I am so wrapped up in the horror that someone would actually choose to eat egg salad I no longer have the motivation to run, go on the rowing machine, or wade into ice cold water to place boats in.
After rowing I thought I could escape my problems, but unfortunatley I was wrong. I was not warned before being hired at my new job that egg salad is a popular choice for lunch. This means that during each shift I am forced to make egg salad, and serve it to customers. Each time I am asked to do this disgusting task I'm sure that I'm about to be sick. The presence of egg salad ruins my work day every time I have to deal with it.
Due to all the problems egg salad has been creating for me, I have decided that we must use this powerful object to our advantage. Seeing as how I was easily distracting by simply the presence of egg salad I believe that others might be affected as well. I propose that in important sporting events as a tactic to defeat opponents egg salad sandwiches are to be hidden throughout locker rooms. The presence of molded egg salad will most likely cause the opponent to become sick or ,at the very least, become distracted enough to affect their ability to compete. In the unlikely case that an opponent is a fan of egg salad, the sandwiches must be old enough that they become sick with either salmonella or food poisoning.
I believe that this game strategy will quickly become very popular all over the world. Teams will enjoy my idea because it is cheap and effective. The success rate will most likely be over 98%, not many people like molded egg salad. The demand for the Egg Salad Attack will become so large that I will start up an underground buisness. Unfortunatley, due to the health codes we will never become certified. Nevertheless we will be well known and celebrated for our sneakiness and effectiveness. Just ask around and I'm sure someone will be able to tell you how to get ahold of the Egg Salad Attackers as I plan to have a branch in all major city across North America. This buisness will be the only good thing that has ever came from an egg salad sandwich.
As exciting as the idea of egg salad being used for good, it will never come to be. Egg salad will forever haunt my thoughts, but I could never intentionally make someone sick or affect their sports abilities. I enjoy sporting events too much to sabotage them. However, the next morning I must face my friend and her egg salad sandwich I guarantee that I will forcefully take the sandwich away and throw it out the window so that I can row in peace.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Inner Temptation
Temptation is a concept I know very well. I want what I know I can't have, but usually pursue it blindly anyways. Although accidently, these actions usually result in someone close to me getting hurt. I want change, I want results, so I pull a drastic stunt for attention, making it impossible for things not to change. The guilt and regret of these actions overwhelm me long afterwards, to the point where I am unable to move past them.
Inexplicable experiences and situations have left me broken, searching for something, or someone, to make me whole again. I have discovered that opening up your heart to someone is a sure fire way to end up hurt. Your vulernability is usually taken advantage of, and in the end you are left with nothing but your own pain.
I feel as if now I may have unconciously sabotaged chances for happiness and love just because of past experiences. I don't want to let people all the way in; I don't want anyone to know the real me. If someone understands my thoughts and my feelings it's just extra ammunition. I feel as if i'm screaming "PLEASE JUST PULL THE DAMN TRIGGER ALREADY!".
Somewhere on this spiralling downfall from who I used to be I discovered that this isn't what i want. I want to be comfortable with who I am, enough to allow others to see me fully. The fear is still present, I feel it every so often. It reminds me to make more responible decisions and not push people who love me away. I am stronger than that, the hard part is being that strong all the time.
Inexplicable experiences and situations have left me broken, searching for something, or someone, to make me whole again. I have discovered that opening up your heart to someone is a sure fire way to end up hurt. Your vulernability is usually taken advantage of, and in the end you are left with nothing but your own pain.
I feel as if now I may have unconciously sabotaged chances for happiness and love just because of past experiences. I don't want to let people all the way in; I don't want anyone to know the real me. If someone understands my thoughts and my feelings it's just extra ammunition. I feel as if i'm screaming "PLEASE JUST PULL THE DAMN TRIGGER ALREADY!".
Somewhere on this spiralling downfall from who I used to be I discovered that this isn't what i want. I want to be comfortable with who I am, enough to allow others to see me fully. The fear is still present, I feel it every so often. It reminds me to make more responible decisions and not push people who love me away. I am stronger than that, the hard part is being that strong all the time.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
just a regular saturday night
speech slurred.
stumbled steps.
aching for a warm body next to mine.
drunk texts and patient friends, the ritual known far too well.
the liqour, a temporary crutch to the pain i feel inside.
i wish i was stronger.
why must i feel the need to black out my thoughts and feelings?
the better question of course is how did i wind up hurt?
again.
i was there for you, gave you advice and tried to make you forget.
all i ever asked for was a chance.
a chance to show you i was different
that i would give you all of me: my heart, my love, my attention.
but you couldn't be persuaded. your opinion jaded.
the moment she looked your way you were gone.
and i was left to pick myself up off the ground.
the good times simply forgotten.
as hard as i try, i cannot forget those nights.
the dances, the almost car crashes, skinny dips, and concerts.
i thought i could make you see you were better off.
i, of course, failed.
letting you, and especially myself, down.
every song reminds me of how close i felt.
every fucking one.
but then i realize, you never wanted that.
you wanted her.
but the songs play on.
when you think happiness, i hope you think that little black dress
my head on your chest, and those old faded blue jeans<3
stumbled steps.
aching for a warm body next to mine.
drunk texts and patient friends, the ritual known far too well.
the liqour, a temporary crutch to the pain i feel inside.
i wish i was stronger.
why must i feel the need to black out my thoughts and feelings?
the better question of course is how did i wind up hurt?
again.
i was there for you, gave you advice and tried to make you forget.
all i ever asked for was a chance.
a chance to show you i was different
that i would give you all of me: my heart, my love, my attention.
but you couldn't be persuaded. your opinion jaded.
the moment she looked your way you were gone.
and i was left to pick myself up off the ground.
the good times simply forgotten.
as hard as i try, i cannot forget those nights.
the dances, the almost car crashes, skinny dips, and concerts.
i thought i could make you see you were better off.
i, of course, failed.
letting you, and especially myself, down.
every song reminds me of how close i felt.
every fucking one.
but then i realize, you never wanted that.
you wanted her.
but the songs play on.
when you think happiness, i hope you think that little black dress
my head on your chest, and those old faded blue jeans<3
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