Mess with a Capitol "M"

A quote from a favourite movie: "there are two types of people, those who learn from their mistakes and those who don't"

This quote is basically the theme of my life. I fall into the latter category. No matter what, I can't seem to learn from my mistakes. I repeat everything i do wrong, I just can't help it. I see myself making these mistakes and can't stop myself from doing it anyways.

The main mistakes are, of course, concerning boys. Unintentionally juggling multiple boys to be more precise. It's not planned, it's not thought about. It just seems to happen. Even though there are a few boys I could be happy with, there always seems to be others that tempt me. And then there are the boys I can't seem to let go of. The boys who get quite pissed when I consume alcohol because they become victims of the drunken texts. The "why dont we talkkkk anymreoe, plese takk to me, imiss youuu"'s.

I can't explain why I put others through this mess, maybe it's the abandonment issues put in place by the father and ex-boyfriend, maybe it's the fear of being hurt again, like by the ex as well. But maybe, just maybe, i'm just messed up. Not wanting anyone to get too close, not wanting anyone to see how screwed up I really am. There's the slight possibility though that it's not about anyone else, that it's just me trying to have a good time, and not caring what happens around me.

I know I sound contradicting, i'm so confused myself. The right has blurred into the wrong, the boundaries no longer visible. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this, eventually i'm going to crash and burn.