Temptation is a concept I know very well. I want what I know I can't have, but usually pursue it blindly anyways. Although accidently, these actions usually result in someone close to me getting hurt. I want change, I want results, so I pull a drastic stunt for attention, making it impossible for things not to change. The guilt and regret of these actions overwhelm me long afterwards, to the point where I am unable to move past them.
Inexplicable experiences and situations have left me broken, searching for something, or someone, to make me whole again. I have discovered that opening up your heart to someone is a sure fire way to end up hurt. Your vulernability is usually taken advantage of, and in the end you are left with nothing but your own pain.
I feel as if now I may have unconciously sabotaged chances for happiness and love just because of past experiences. I don't want to let people all the way in; I don't want anyone to know the real me. If someone understands my thoughts and my feelings it's just extra ammunition. I feel as if i'm screaming "PLEASE JUST PULL THE DAMN TRIGGER ALREADY!".
Somewhere on this spiralling downfall from who I used to be I discovered that this isn't what i want. I want to be comfortable with who I am, enough to allow others to see me fully. The fear is still present, I feel it every so often. It reminds me to make more responible decisions and not push people who love me away. I am stronger than that, the hard part is being that strong all the time.
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