Mess with a Capitol "M"

A quote from a favourite movie: "there are two types of people, those who learn from their mistakes and those who don't"

This quote is basically the theme of my life. I fall into the latter category. No matter what, I can't seem to learn from my mistakes. I repeat everything i do wrong, I just can't help it. I see myself making these mistakes and can't stop myself from doing it anyways.

The main mistakes are, of course, concerning boys. Unintentionally juggling multiple boys to be more precise. It's not planned, it's not thought about. It just seems to happen. Even though there are a few boys I could be happy with, there always seems to be others that tempt me. And then there are the boys I can't seem to let go of. The boys who get quite pissed when I consume alcohol because they become victims of the drunken texts. The "why dont we talkkkk anymreoe, plese takk to me, imiss youuu"'s.

I can't explain why I put others through this mess, maybe it's the abandonment issues put in place by the father and ex-boyfriend, maybe it's the fear of being hurt again, like by the ex as well. But maybe, just maybe, i'm just messed up. Not wanting anyone to get too close, not wanting anyone to see how screwed up I really am. There's the slight possibility though that it's not about anyone else, that it's just me trying to have a good time, and not caring what happens around me.

I know I sound contradicting, i'm so confused myself. The right has blurred into the wrong, the boundaries no longer visible. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this, eventually i'm going to crash and burn.

Pride

Rugby is my passion.
I've played for a few years and it's become my obsession.
I play for 8 months of the year through snow, sleet, and sun.
Here's a small excert from a paper on stereotypes in rugby:

There will always be the people who think they know everything. No matter how many games I play or how many tackles I make, I will always be told I can't be a forward. The words "you're too small", "you couldn't possibly tackle anyone", or a personal favourite, "you play rugby? that's gross" still have an affect on me. I get
frustrated and worked up when I am underestimated by people who don't know a single thing about the game. Luckily being aggressive is an effective tactic to being a good forward. Being aggressive does not necessarily make you a tank, it simply means that you aren't afraid of getting hurt, you show off your bruises like battle wounds, and you don't give up and accept defeat.

I'm proud to be a women's rugby player; I'm proud to pull on my striped collared shirt and my formally white shorts, which are now grass stained and smeared with mud. When I lace up my cleats and step onto a rugby pitch I forget about anything else in life. I'm there in that moment and nothing else is important. Any anger or frustration I may have is put to good use, crushing my opponents with the hardest tackles possible. Stereotypes are never going to disappear completely, but no one can stop me from playing the sport that I love. Rugby is always going to be a part of my life, and even if I end up breaking both my legs and getting eleven concussions in the process, I'm going to continue to prove to anyone who ever said I was too small that they were wrong.