The Joys Of Egg Salad

For english I was able to write an essay on something that bothers me, and then create a outrageous proposal to deal with it. I enjoyed this assignment and feel like sharing it :)


How does the one item in this world that I despise seem to haunt me everywhere I go? Unlike many people I am not a picky eater; I will eat basically anything that is placed in front of me. Seafood, mushrooms, spinach, and cottage cheese are quite tasty to snack on, however; egg salad sandwiches are simply unacceptable.

My dislike for egg salad started as a young child. On many outings to the beach in the summer my mother would pack a lunch, always egg salad sandwiches. I don't believe I ate much those days. I'm not sure what exactly triggered my hatred. Whether it was the smell, taste, or simply the presentation that made my stomach turn, i can't be certain. Now any one of these factors causes an immediate nauseous feeling, only to pass when the egg salad is gone.

I find it very strange how often I must deal with egg salad in my life. At first it was only three days a week for two months. These unfortunate occasions were caused by rowing season. During rowing season my team has morning practices at 5:30 am outside the city. I very much enjoy these practices, the sun is not yet up and the world seems still. The only problem with these practices is in the carpool. My best friend, for some inexplicable reason, feels the need to devour down an egg salad sandwich every morning before practice much to the dismay of everyone in the car. The first hint of the presence of an egg salad sandwich is the horrible stench it produces, comparable to moldy cheese. This smell often forces me to open the window and hang my head out of the car as we speed down the highway. I would honestly rather freeze to death have to deal with that smell. The presence of egg salad before rowing often causes me to become distracted. I am so wrapped up in the horror that someone would actually choose to eat egg salad I no longer have the motivation to run, go on the rowing machine, or wade into ice cold water to place boats in.

After rowing I thought I could escape my problems, but unfortunatley I was wrong. I was not warned before being hired at my new job that egg salad is a popular choice for lunch. This means that during each shift I am forced to make egg salad, and serve it to customers. Each time I am asked to do this disgusting task I'm sure that I'm about to be sick. The presence of egg salad ruins my work day every time I have to deal with it.

Due to all the problems egg salad has been creating for me, I have decided that we must use this powerful object to our advantage. Seeing as how I was easily distracting by simply the presence of egg salad I believe that others might be affected as well. I propose that in important sporting events as a tactic to defeat opponents egg salad sandwiches are to be hidden throughout locker rooms. The presence of molded egg salad will most likely cause the opponent to become sick or ,at the very least, become distracted enough to affect their ability to compete. In the unlikely case that an opponent is a fan of egg salad, the sandwiches must be old enough that they become sick with either salmonella or food poisoning.

I believe that this game strategy will quickly become very popular all over the world. Teams will enjoy my idea because it is cheap and effective. The success rate will most likely be over 98%, not many people like molded egg salad. The demand for the Egg Salad Attack will become so large that I will start up an underground buisness. Unfortunatley, due to the health codes we will never become certified. Nevertheless we will be well known and celebrated for our sneakiness and effectiveness. Just ask around and I'm sure someone will be able to tell you how to get ahold of the Egg Salad Attackers as I plan to have a branch in all major city across North America. This buisness will be the only good thing that has ever came from an egg salad sandwich.

As exciting as the idea of egg salad being used for good, it will never come to be. Egg salad will forever haunt my thoughts, but I could never intentionally make someone sick or affect their sports abilities. I enjoy sporting events too much to sabotage them. However, the next morning I must face my friend and her egg salad sandwich I guarantee that I will forcefully take the sandwich away and throw it out the window so that I can row in peace.